“Well, it’s not the worst entry in the series.”
Pleasure and pain. That’s what it is to be a Hellraiser fan these days.
Remember a few years back when the fine lads over at Dimension Films gave us the cheap cash-in that was Hellraiser: Revelations? You can read our review HERE if you need a refresher, but suffice it to say that it was really bad, in a really big way. Well, it’s seven years later, and they’re at it again, but this time it looks as if they might have gotten it right. Or at least more right than they did with Revelations.
I mean, how could anything be worse than that piece of shit was?
Pinhead is trying his best to adapt to modern times, because it ain’t easy luring new souls to their doom, because the Internet is full of porn or something. Enter The Auditor, who has a plan to bring the best sinners on Earth to Hell. Craigslist!
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| HE NEEDS A NEW COMPUTER. |
On Earth, a child murderer is lured to a house with the promise of a reward. There he meets The Auditor, who straps the creep to a chair, and hooks him to an intravenous typewriter, which records his sins. Then, The Assessor comes in, eats the pages of liquid confession, and pukes it into a tube, where it’s sent to a trio of naked, faceless chicks (The Jurys) for them to run their hands through, so that they can pronounce him guilty. Then he’s licked clean by a trio of old ladies, after which the morbidly obese Butcher comes in and lets a chick in fetish gear out of a sack, where she slices the pedo up.
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| IT’S A COMPLICATED PROCESS. |
Elsewhere, there’s a Serial Killer on the loose called The Preceptor, who kills sinful souls who dare break any of the Ten Commandments. A trio of detectives (two brothers and a hot chick) are hot on his trail, which leads one of them to the very same house where The Auditor awaits him. From that point on, it’s Cenobites trying to claim souls; Angels trying to save them; and clueless humans trying to catch a murderer.
Somehow, this all ties together. You’ll see.
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| “YES THAT LOOKS LIKE A CLUE TO ME.” |
I’ll say this: The movie opens strong, and when it’s focused on the hellish side of its story, it’s fairly impressive. The FX work is solid, and it all feels dirty and forbidden in a dark way. The Auditor was a pretty cool addition to the Cenobite ranks, and he gave us a Dr. Channard vibe, in a way. The inclusion of Jophiel the Angel was really cool, and it would have been nice to see the story focus more on her and her involvement with the darker aspect of things.
The big question though has to be “How was Pinhead?” Well, the Pinhead of Judgment came nowhere near Doug Bradley’s perfect portrayal in the earlier films, but he was hell and gone better than the embarrassing Pinhead of Revelations, and he was pretty serviceable overall. It’s definitely a step in a better direction.
Where the movie loses steam, is when it jumps to the detectives storyline. I know this was made on a small budget, but the talking and investigating made things grind to a halt, momentum-wise, more often than not.The plot was a bit busy and was sloppily executed in places, and the dialogue could have been sharper too.
Overall though, not bad at all.
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| THIS GUY HAS POTENTIAL. |
Lots of blood and grotesque acts in this one, but some of the kills weren’t shown in graphic detail. Must have been a budget thing. That opening sequence though… it’ll make you queasy.
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| THE “JESUS WEPT” LINE WAS A MISSTEP THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN LEFT OUT. |
Sexy women abound throughout, though they mostly stay clothed. The Jury girls get naked and wet, and that’s about it on the graphic nudity front.
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| SEXY, EVEN WITH NO FACE. |
Hellraiser needs another big budget effort, and it desperately needs Doug Bradley back as Pinhead, if it’s going to come close to the quality of the original movies.
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| LOVE THIS GUY. |
I didn’t hate it. I was waiting for Hellraiser: Judgment to be another cheap piece of shit that only served to lessen the Hellraiser name even more than the last five sequels did, but it got some things right, and did others pretty well, and I kinda dug it, despite its obvious flaws.
If you’re dying to see a new Hellraiser flick, and can live with a few flaws, then give it a go. Just take it all with a grain of salt.
C+
Hellraiser: Judgment hits Blu-ray, DVD, & VOD now.
Hellraiser Judgment features a bevy of lovely ladies, but we’re extra keen on Helena Grace Donald who played the angel, Jophiel. She special.
